General Posts – Page 3 – Sex Across America

Today’s Swingers’ Scene: Bigger Than Ever

Quick! Turn on a fan! It’s like the Sixties in here!

No, avocado-gold decors and shag carpets aren’t making a comeback, but there are some groovy things filling up the old-but-new-again bin—and swinging is among them. In this era where you just about have to boil people before touching them, it almost seems hard to believe that swinging lifestyles are not only thriving, but even trending as big business.

According to clearing houses such as the North American Swing Club Association (NASCA), the renaissance of “The Lifestyle” as it’s called by those in the know is percolating rapidly throughout all classes and communities, fueling the expansion of efficiently organized events and the emergence of top-tier resorts and five-star excursions that cater to the unique needs and desires of swingers on a global scale. As you might imagine, much of the growth in swinging—and a key difference between what’s happening today versus days gone by—is due to the internet. Although the numbers are difficult to pin down accurately because of the confidential nature of the animal, it’s estimated that about two-thirds to three-quarters of today’s swing club participants meet up through popular lifestyle and club web sites. Ultimately, what used to be strictly taboo is gaining significantly greater acceptance as time goes on and the idea that network and mainstream cable outlets have jumped on board is an indicator of how far things have come. Even the Discovery Fit & Health channel has swung over to swinging, producing Secret Sex Lives: Swinging, a mini-series. (Of course, being billed as a “reality show” likely means there will be very little that’s real about it, but it should still be pretty interesting.)

So, what’s behind the resurgence? Is this trend just a throwback to the free-love movement or are couples having some sort of relationship A.D.D. these days? Is the concept of marriage itself becoming outdated? Or is all of this simply a sign that the pendulum is swinging (pardon the pun) away from uptight hypocrisy and over towards more evolved and open-minded sensibilities?

To get a handle on all of this, it’s important to understand that “The Lifestyle” is pretty loosely defined, perhaps by design. Succinctly, swinging is generally about committed couples having sex with other people, but how that’s done these days takes on many different forms—along with differing rules and occasionally with double standards. For example, it’s commonly acceptable for single women to participate in club events while single men are often prohibited. Some clubs even have fairly arbitrary “attractiveness” gauges that limit joining in based on looks. As with most things, there are pluses and minuses. The point is there’s actually no singular “lifestyle” per se, but rather a broad umbrella that encompasses many different ways to go about it—all based on adult consent of course. A common denominator, however, is that most see a key difference between swinging and cheating—a difference that is both a major point of attraction for those who enjoy the scene as well as a big reason why swinging enhances their main relationship rather than detracts from it. Successful swingers attribute the feat to honesty, open communication and feeling secure—all of which help to solidify the foundation in their basic committed relationship. They enjoy being able to safely add variety and excitement in close concert with their partner while preserving the security of their primary bond.

The swingers’ scene is thriving–and getting bigger all the time with about 700 clubs in North America alone. It’s certainly not to the extent of being a completely hiccup-free zone yet, but more and more appear to be learning to live and let live.

Yeah, baby. Groovy indeed.

(For more information about today’s Swinger’s Scene, we recommend visiting NASCA.com and LifestyleMagazine.com. We also welcome all thoughts on the topic–pro or con–so please consider commenting and helping us to further publicize our content. Thank you.)

Couples from Cyberspace

No, it’s not the title for an upcoming sci-fi spoof but rather an interesting, non-fiction trend that could easily spell doom for singles’ bars around the country: The number of people hooking up through online coupling platforms is shooting up dramatically. With the ever-increasing pace of technological advance, the trend itself probably shouldn’t surprise anyone, but the rapid snowballing does seem to suggest a significant cultural shift when it comes to relationships and intimacy. Are the likes of Match, eHarmony and AdultFriendFinder about to surpass the more old-school methods for finding happily ever after?

The basic numbers look like this: A report released on January 1st by the online trending service, Statistic Brain, claims that over 41 million Americans have tried some form of online dating service as of the end of 2013, almost doubling the approximately 25 million reported to have used such sites in 2011. The report also puts the current annual revenue of online dating services at just over $1.2 billion (though other industry analysts have put it closer to $2 billion with 4-5% annual growth forecasted through 2015) and claims that the current average length of courtships-to-marriages for those meeting online is just over 18 months, compared to 42 months for couples who met offline. Interestingly, the gender split for online dating site users is fairly even (52% male/48% female).

The sharp up-spike could be explained by any number of factors ranging from tech-convenience to economic conditions during the past few years to outright laziness in some cases, but it’s certainly not a trend without pitfalls. Although most online dating sites boast fairly extensive screening processes as a core part of their services, the nature of connecting by the web is still such that there’s plenty of room for, um, shall we say, misrepresentation. Yeah, okay, fine: Lying. The report states that both genders are inclined to lie about age, with men also lying most about height while women lie most about weight. Perhaps it’s not the best strategy in the world to begin a potential relationship with a “maybe they won’t notice” approach, but people are indeed funny animals.

In any event, as with most collisions between personal intimacy and technological enablement, it will probably be a while before this all sorts itself out–or morphs further into something even more likely to sound like a sci-fi spoof today. The question is: What do you think it will be?

Ireland Approves Same-sex Marriage By 2-1 Majority

A May 22nd referendum resulted in an historic, resounding approval of same-sex marriage in a country long thought to be highly conservative and traditionally captivated by Catholicism: Ireland. By a popular vote of 62% to 38%, a significant majority of Irish citizens confounded expectations and approved the measure as a means of demonstrating that all are valued equally.

For more on the story, we recommend this coverage by the Irish Times.

Kickin’ a Sex Bucket

You’ve no doubt heard of a “Bucket List:” A summary of things someone would like to do/achieve during their lifetime (or in other words, before they “kick the bucket.”) It’s a great exercise for a lot of reasons, but few extend the concept to improving their own sex lives. At Sex Across America, we think it’s time to change that.

Keeping in mind that such a list should be both achievable and in tune with your own particular core values, the steps involved with creating your own sex bucket list are actually pretty straightforward. Start your list with the “whats” and “whys” and try to make them specific and compelling. Don’t worry about the “hows” right now. The means for accomplishing many of your items will often present themselves down the road as a result of clearly defining them and having significant reasons in your thinking. If you’re unclear about an activity or have a weak reason for it, chances are it won’t fly or you’ll just give up on it at some point.

As a general means for identifying your potential items and their reasons, here are five quick tips to get you going:

1. Know thyself first. Some barriers you may have might be the legitimate result of your socialization and/or prior experiences, but perhaps you haven’t consciously figured out why you feel the way you do about some things in your sex life or if you’re now better prepared to change them. It’s hard to plan when you’re unclear about your own wants and/or limitations, so do a self-assessment to determine your sexual strengths, weaknesses and potential. Take the time to sort these things out up front and see where there’s some room to explore. Be candid with yourself regarding areas that you feel are solid or could honestly use some improvement. Brainstorm a thorough list of things you’re still curious about–and then prepare to safely explore them when an opportunity arises.

2. Fantasize, fantasize, fantasize. This tends to be a bit tough because fantasies are often very personal and difficult to communicate fearlessly. Additionally, there’s a rational risk avoidance in sharing a fantasy because if it’s actually played out–and fails–then there may be tremendous disappointment all around. Well, true enough, they’re rarely ever as perfect in practice as they are in your perfect thinking, but that’s missing the point. They’re supposed to be fun, intimate and exciting, so just plan accordingly. Keep the first few times as simple as possible (the less complex, the better the chances are for success) and even if it falls a little flat, learn from the experience and try again. Additionally, even if you come up with a fantasy that doesn’t lend itself to playing out in reality, the exercise of imagination will eventually spark other ideas that will work.

3. Attitude for altitude. Ramping up a high sense of adventure, especially if you’ve gravitated to a fairly consistent sex routine over time, can be a bit of a challenge but it’s worth it to push the edge of the envelope when developing ideas for your list. Building your list and then tackling the items on it should be viewed as a major positive as opposed to drudgery or just going through the motions. Even if you’re taking small steps at first, make each one count and keep reinforcing the attitude that you’ll keep moving up, even if you trip a little along the way. Remember, even if you involve a particular loved one, this is something you’re doing for your own happiness and well-being.

4. Knowledge breeds confidence. Just as you wouldn’t take a road trip without checking a map (or, these days, setting your GPS), doing a little bit of research about a potential activity helps set a more solid foundation to build on. With the explosion of legitimate sex-positive resources out there these days, it shouldn’t take much effort to find out important details for just about any potential item you’re considering for your list. (If you’re really stumped about finding useful information, however, feel free to drop us a confidential email and we’ll do our best to help point you in the right direction. If your concern isn’t necessarily private, or the answer could help others as well, then please consider posting your question below as a response to this article and we’ll try to address it there.)

5. Give a little to get a lot. People are much more inclined to be supportive when they feel they’re receiving equal support. If you’re going to be doing the activities on your list with someone in particular, involve them in this process and find ways to be able to support their ideas whenever you can. They’ll be much more likely to back your wishes in return (not to mention the potential benefits for improved communication and shared intimacy). Another strategy is to develop your lists separately and then compare them to see if there’s any overlap. If so, try starting with those items once you get the proverbial ball rolling.

Bear in mind that while planning is important, you’re not looking for military rigidity and precision (unless, of course, “Shock and Awe” just happen to be your thing). Adding a spontaneity component affords you flexibility and can add to both the intimacy and excitement of an item on your list. And while some items may find their way to your list as “once in a lifetime” events, don’t be so quick to push them away from the table once you’ve checked them off. Just because it seemed like it would be a one-shot deal doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. If it was fun and satisfying, just use your imagination to work it in again sometime if that’s feasible.

It’s a sad thing to reach the end of one’s life with regret over missed opportunities. It doesn’t have to be that way at all. A little bit of thought and planning now will not only help open previously unforeseen prospects through sharpened focus, but also go a long way towards ensuring a fulfilling and exciting sex life. Start that journey right now–and make your own destiny.