Fantasies Across America

When looking at emerging trends in sexuality, some are much easier to pin down than others.  While many people are finding greater liberation in discussing sex these days, there are still certain aspects that are tougher to discuss openly or admit to honestly in surveys, even if there’s an assurance of anonymity.  Whether it’s due to a fear of being judged, an aversion to having to deal with an emotional process or outright denial for whatever reason, there are just some things that many people want (or need) to keep to themselves when it comes to their sexual proclivities.  The subject of fantasies tops that list.

Frankly, the lack of candor regarding fantasies makes a certain amount of sense if you pull at the seams a bit.  It’s a serious emotional risk to admit most fantasies aloud and many likely feel that a fantasy kept private is also a fantasy kept perfect.  There’s no real way of telling how many bomb when people try to bring them into reality, but there’s absolutely no risk if one keeps their fantasy safely couched inside.  Accordingly, these sorts of things tend to remain closeted and excluded from positive developments in sexuality trends.  Yes, it makes perfect sense, but that doesn’t mean it makes sense for the better.

Here’s the thing:  Admitting to and playing out fantasies with a consenting partner can be a perfectly safe, healthy and fun way to not only explore and expand one’s sexuality, but also to increase intimacy and trust.  The hardest part of the whole deal is simply getting the proverbial ball rolling, but once it is, keeping it rolling in the right direction is just a matter of basic planning and developing comfort with the process.  It’s a serious hurdle, to be sure, but it can be surmounted if an honest commitment is made to keeping an open mind and nonjudgmental approach.  Normalizing the method that works best for the unique people involved might take a few tries, but planning for such little bumps in the road ahead can minimize their impact in the long run–and in fact, enhance the bonding.  How one couple does that will likely be quite different from another, but the key is to apply traits that work well in other aspects of a specific relationship and fine tune them as progress is made.  If a partner has a legitimate concern about a particular fantasy, it should be taken seriously and worked out to a reasonable compromise.  Usually, if a couple is comfortable with a negotiating style as a foundation in their relationship (i.e., “Sure, I’ll go see the bang-em-up, shoot-em-up, blow-em-up movie with you this weekend if we can go see the touchy-feely-teary-cuddly-feel-good flick next weekend.”), then chances are a quid-pro-quo approach will work equally well, as long as it’s equitable.

As the process takes root, keep it simple.  While many fantasies are highly detailed in one’s imagination, trying to accomplish them with perfect intricacy in reality usually spells doom.  Aiming for a more general effect has a much better chance of success, at least at the outset.  You can always step things up as time goes on, but try to rack up a few wins first in order to build confidence when first starting out.  Additionally, try not to look at things that don’t go so well as failures but rather as opportunities to improve the next time.  It’s just as important–and effective–to know what doesn’t work as what does.  If you have an oops, blow it off, laugh at it together and make the necessary adjustment as you progress.

Ultimately, while it’s a general subject that many prefer to keep private, it’s a lot more common than most might think.  Hopefully, knowing you’re not alone in that regard will be a catalyst for giving it a good shot.  Exploring fantasies through erotic role playing with a partner can be a simple, yet elegant way to expand your sexual repertoire and perk up your sex life immensely.  Keep it direct and to the point at first, but don’t be afraid to push the edges a little as time goes on.  If it’s less-than-perfect in execution, focus on the intimacy and fun and then just resolve to tweak it a bit the next time.  It’s genuinely one of those things where the journey is much more important than the destination.

Some People’s Brains May Be “Wired” to Seek More Sex

A new study suggests that there may be a neurological connection between a person’s unique sexual history and how their brain’s are conditioned to respond to sexual stimuli.  According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, the research found that participant’s responses to erotic imagery were directly dependent on how many sex partners they had in the last year.

Read the full story here.

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Are New Sex Education Standards Needed?

We’ve said it before:  Sex education in America needs to be improved.  The point can certainly be argued rationally and there are, of course, many valid perspectives on the matter, but while some progress is being made, a recent report from the Centers for Disease Control cited that over 80%  of teens ages 15 to 17 have had no formal sex education before they have sex for the first time.  At Sex Across America, we think that kind of figure indicates that a serious problem exists.

Without a doubt, it’s often an uncomfortable subject to bring up at local school board meetings, but the sad state of sex education across the country should be inspiring educators to lead rather than give in to that discomfort.  That said, it’s often not just a matter of overcoming community objections to curricula content or gaining consensus about what material should be taught to which age groups, but also about ensuring teachers are fully prepared to deliver the information and appropriately mentor students through the process.  In that regard, some leading sex educators are stepping up and investing their experience in building a framework that makes sense.

As a project sponsored by the non-profit organization, Future of Sex Education, a comprehensive plan entitled, The National Teacher Preparation Standards on Sexuality Education, was recently published which outlines standards for preparing teachers to deliver sexuality education.  Specifying seven standards along with success indicators and examples, the project seeks to establish a common national foundation for ensuring that every middle and high school student receives a complete, age-appropriate sexuality education.  The result is the first time that specific standards have been established for educators charged with the responsibility of providing sex education.

Of course, a plan is only as good as the degree to which it’s implemented and while this project is a nice step in the right direction, it has to be adopted in order to have any real impact.  It’s hard at this point to gauge the actual interest in it, but with the stakes as high as they are and recognizing the genuine challenges involved with sexual health education, embracing a reasonable structure for better preparing those who will eventually be responsible for providing sex education has tremendous merit towards solving a serious and growing problem.

If nothing else, it does demonstrate that there are many who are not content with just sitting around and hoping for better results.

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Top Gun Love

It’s an all-too-familiar scene that happens to the best of us:  A confrontation occurs with your significant other and, as things heat up, one wants to break contact and cool off while the other wants immediate resolution and just can’t seem to let it go.  Is it just a “normal” relationship dynamic?  A sign of incompatibility?  Verification that opposites attract?

According to relationship coaches Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers, the core of such issues is actually rooted in biology.  Their new book, So That’s Why They Do That!, uses an interesting and innovative approach to not only explain the physiology of intergender communication, but also offers effective, easy-to-use strategies for working through and improving many other related concerns.  The first in what they intend to be a series on relationship dynamics, the book applies a fresh approach that balances being user-friendly for men while being fully engaging for women.  Systematically, they describe this approach as Top Gun Love.

Without a doubt, it’s a catchy name, but there’s also some interesting background in how it came about.  Understanding that the primary market for relationship improvement books is comprised of women, the authors wanted to create a unique approach that would be equally inclusive for men.  Wiegers, who earlier in life was a Vietnam-era fighter pilot, recognized that military-style operations manuals used a highly effective syntax that made it very easy for a diverse audience– comprised mostly of men at the time–to capture essential information and put it to immediate use.  Collaborating with Claire, who has over 30 years of relationship counseling and coaching experience, they developed a systematic methodology that basically resulted in a “user’s manual” for interpersonal relationships–and one with a balanced feel that is evenly appealing to both genders.

The eclectic blend of their respective styles and experiences works in ways that are both informative and entertaining.  More importantly, their collaboration has produced a useful system for people to proactively share a relationship with compassionate understanding instead of suffering through the reactive effects that seem to be so common.  With almost 140 years of practical experience and expertise between them, it’s certainly worthwhile to take a few moments and see if what they have to offer might benefit you and your loved one.

(If you would like more information about Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers along with their Top Gun Love approach to satisfying relationships, you can connect with them through their accounts on Facebook or Twitter.  Their website,, will officially launch in early July.)

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