Health and Wellness – Page 3 – Sex Across America

Think Kink!

(1/1/16) It wasn’t really all that long ago that kink was considered uber-taboo. Fortunately though, the masses appear to be finally waking up and smelling the 21st century. What was once strictly confined behind tightly sealed doors or within close-knit underground communities has garnered much more sunlight in recent years and even become rather fashionable.

To be sure, kinky lifestyles are nothing new, but there does seem to be a new, more positive trend emerging when it comes to exploring them. With the advent of the interwebs, access to lifestyle information became much easier. Additionally, for those trying to keep their exploration under the radar, the anonymity offered on the net afforded reasonably safe access. The flipside, however, is that it also enabled a lot of misinformation and, in many cases, unnecessary confusion. That said, the upside is that more and more people feel less alone and isolated in discovering and acknowledging their feelings and sexuality.

While there are way too many factors to list involved with how things got from there to here, suffice it to say that various forms of media played a large role. In the 80s and 90s, authors such as Anne Rice, John Warren, Jay Wiseman, Jon Jacobs, Will and Gloria Brame, Philip Miller and Molly Devon were instrumental in capturing a wide range of concepts and making them understandable to the masses while pioneering filmmakers such as Bruce Seven, Ernest Greene and Luc Wylder (who directed the widely acclaimed The Master’s Choice series) helped pave the way with kink-lifestyle portrayals on the screen. As these efforts gained increasing interest, more widespread attention built through such mainstream projects as 9 1/2 weeks, The Story of O, Secretary and Stanley Kubrick’s epic, Eyes Wide Shut among others, culminating with the recent 50 Shades frenzy. Whether reality or fantasy based, as these works expanded imagination and understanding, they inspired a new generation with willingness and confidence to push their own perceived boundaries in safe and fun ways.

Ironically, with all of the wonderful information out there now, the trick today when you think kink is that there’s no singularly universal way to go about it. Even the word itself means something different to different people. Therein lies the beauty–and the challenge. Pushing yourself to find the unique things that really turn you on beyond the common and mundane is a highly personal and intimate experience–and one that’s unique to each person. As long as the activities involved are among consenting adults and reasonable precautions are employed to ensure that no harm occurs, just be yourself and resist any temptation to have to justify yourself. It’s your life and you have every right to seek out experiences that bring you joy and fulfillment in whatever way works best for you. People, being funny animals, tend to prefer putting things (and occasionally, other people, for that matter) into neat little categorized bins, but that’s counterproductive for both creativity and confidence. Forget the labels. They’re generally useful as a common frame of reference in communicating, but beyond that, they belong on jars, not on people.

So, confidently shake off the imagined shackles of Boringville and start heading towards the growing understanding–and acceptance–found on the road to Kinkytown. The time has never been better to Think Kink.

Keeping Your Kink Safe

(6/16/14) A few weeks ago, our weekly webcast featured a discussion on incorporating various kinks and fetishes into relationships. We received a few very nice responses to it by email and one in particular brought up a point that we think should be addressed. We’re not going to reprint the person’s email out of respect for their privacy, but instead just focus on the key question generically:

“When you’re first trying things out, how do you avoid going over the line, especially if you’re unsure of where the line is?”

It’s a great question and since we made it a point in the webcast to focus on “consent” as a key element for exploring various activities, we think it’s important to address the concern because not having a strategy in place to handle this kind of thing could easily cause a negative outcome that leads to withdrawing consent. Of course we’d hate to see that happen, so here are a few considerations. Keep in mind that there’s no universally “right” way for all circumstances. These are just possible approaches which may have some positive benefits.

1. Incorporating a “safeword.” There are many reasonable scenarios, especially if partners are “new” to each other and learning each other’s unique responses, where a kink-scene needs to be slowed or stopped. Somewhere along the line (mostly from club-based play), someone came up with the concept of using a traffic-light system for controlling the intensity of an activity without making it complicated–and it does work well. The idea is that the person controlling the activity (the “dominant” or “top”) would be assessing how the participant being controlled (the “submissive” or “bottom”) is doing at various points during play. If all was well, the submissive simply says, “Green.” If they’re becoming uncomfortable or just needs to slow down, “Yellow.” If they feel they’re approaching a limit, “Red.” The person controlling the scene would then be responsible for adjusting or stopping accordingly. Generally, it works because it’s a very simple thing to keep in mind (i.e., green=go, yellow=caution, red=stop) and use under duress when necessary. In the throes of passion, it’s quite possible that they wouldn’t be able to communicate effectively, so the simplicity/succinctness of the color system counters that problem. Additionally, if the dominant is on the ball and continually assessing–and asks the submissive for a safeword, but doesn’t get one from them, it should be a clear indicator that they need to stop until the submissive is capable of communicating again.

2. Using a “silent safeword.” While the above may seem to make good sense and while it might work in most cases, there are several scenarios where a submissive might not be able to communicate verbally during a scene. A simple example: What if they’re gagged? Hmm. So, the alternative is to give the submissive an object to hold in one hand (like a rubber ball, for example) and use it in place of verbal communication. If the dominant asks for a safeword and all is in fact well, the submissive just holds it up. If they’re having a problem and needs to slow, they can just wave it around a bit. If they need to stop, they can just release it and let it drop.

(Additionally, in either of the two above methods, the submissive does not necessarily need to wait until the dominant conducts an “assessment” in order to use whichever safeword they need to. They can easily just blurt it out or drop the object at any point, especially if they need to stop or just a take break.)

3. Being a “responsibly connected dominant.” While the above techniques can work well, there are some who believe that they inherently detract from a deeper possible connection between partners and actually remove some measure of control/responsibility from the dominant, thus requiring the submissive to take that responsibility and be in control. It’s a legitimate concern and it’s perfectly reasonable to believe that safewords are therefore not the “best” strategy. Indeed, some believe it to be poor leadership. That may seem somewhat arrogant and harsh given the fact that many use the safeword system just fine, but we’ve seen too many situations where a problem arose during a scene that the dominant did not pick up on, but where the submissive was too out of it or too proud to safeword (or simply clung on to the little ball because they tensed in the passion and just couldn’t let it go). The resulting statement of, “Well, I kept going because they didn’t safeword…” is a lame, poor excuse when an oops happens and it’s ludicrous to try to shift blame to the person who was supposed to be giving up control and putting their well-being at risk. Instead, a dominant who invests significant time in getting to know their submissive along with their unique reactions, tendencies, limitations and capabilities–and builds on that connection by conducting scenes that are intentionally designed to be incremental at first and only ramped up as warranted by actual performance, always retains control and responsibility and develops a clear understanding of when a scene needs to be slowed or stopped. Yes, that degree of competence takes time, but for many, it’s a much more responsible approach for avoiding the kinds of situations that are likely to lead to negative results.

Besides, what’s the damned rush, you know?

We’d love to hear your rational thoughts on this topic along with any constructive suggestions you may have for helping others achieve positive outcomes in their exploration. You can either comment directly (using the “reply” button below) or send them to us via email. We look forward to hearing from you!

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Aphrodisiacs: Mood Food or Scam Jam?

(6/9/14) For thousands of years, all sorts of claims have run rampant about the power of certain foods (and other natural substances) to improve health, vitality and even sex drive. Entire industries have risen from these legends and thrived throughout the centuries. While there are certainly some scientific cause-effect relationships between specific types of nutrition and general well-being, most broad aphrodisiac claims have historically been the result of perpetuated myths with little or no actual basis in reality. That said and before looking at some of these, we should also point out that there’s an intangible factor that does play a role in whether or not any particular substance is effective: The placebo effect. In other words, if someone is convinced that something will increase their arousal, it probably will, even if there’s no other reason for it to. People are funny animals in that way.

Therefore, we feel obligated at this point to offer this spoiler alert: If you happen to believe that french fries dipped in Nutella will grease your skids when slipping between the sheets, more power to you, we say. Twice! However, you may want to just skip the rest of this. It’s certainly not our intent to ruin your happy meal.

Okay, with that out of the way, let’s look at a few of the more popular notions and see what’s really what:

Oysters. We found several studies which do show that oysters contain elements which help increase testosterone levels, so there’s a case to be made that there’s some science behind this particular myth. The thing is, almost every study agrees that you’d have to eat a lot of them over a sustained period (i.e., a week or longer) to achieve any significant effect. In other words, it’s not just a matter of slurping a few on the half-shell to get a bigger bang for your spark.

Chocolate. Interestingly enough, some of the more recent studies have calculated that the chemical effects of consuming chocolate are very similar to the chemistry of the way “love” is perceived in the human brain. That might lead you to believe that there’s actually a correlation in play when it comes to impacting arousal, but no such luck–at least not yet. Though a few studies have been done, the small number of them have not produced any definitive evidence and, in fact, appear to suggest that age plays a significant role in how the body processes the effects of chocolate. That’s no cause to sell your chocolate company stock, but it’s certainly not a reason to get bullish either.

Ginseng. Over hundreds of years, a lot of people have sworn profusely that ginseng ramps up the ol’ libido, but several studies over the past 50 years have clearly determined that it’s the placebo effect at work and nothing more. There’s certainly a lot to be said for the power of positive thought, but this particular myth is more likely the result of groupthink run amok. It does make some nice tea, though.

Rhino horns. Can you hear all the “horn-y” jokes already? Anyway, poor rhinos have been coughing up their studly ornaments for centuries in support of higher sex drive believers, but in the modern age, every analytic study has determined that there are no chemical properties that effect human sexual activity. Maybe it’s the shape that does the trick mentally, but your friendly lab says that’s about it. The moral of this story? Quit cutting off pointy things!

Watermelon. This is one you might not see on many popular aphrodisiac lists, but for those who’ve bought into it over the years, there may actually be something to it. As it turns out, watermelons have a high concentration of citrulline, which is an amino compound with an effect similar to the active ingredients in Viagra. There’s a small catch, though: The beneficial substance is only in the rind. So, it’s either the little blue pill or the big green tooth-buster, but either apparently does have a similar effect. Who knew?

So, while mounting evidence tends to stomp out some long-lasting and popular myths, there is also trend data showing some positive psychological impacts associated to using aphrodisiacs. The desired physical effects may not really be there, but there is growing evidence showing just how powerful the mind can be–particularly as a sex organ. It may just be a matter of “thinking with the right head” but, hey, whatever works, right?

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The UnSlut Project

(5/12/14) There’s been a lot in the news lately about bullying and the potentially catastrophic consequences associated to it. While the concept itself is hardly new, the combination of recent high profile calamities related to bullying along with an explosion of new media coverage serving to raise awareness have modernized both the problem and the response–and some responses have been brilliantly innovative.

One such positive effort, The UnSlut Project, is the brainchild of Harvard alum and Ph.D. candidate, Emily Lindin. Employing a wide variety of social and electronic media resources, Lindin has managed to harness it all towards a singular focus: Combating sexual bullying. The project, begun Spring of 2013 in response to her own experiences as a victim while in grade school, started as a means for her to share excerpts from her own diaries to benefit others, but quickly evolved into a collaboration with many others committed to stemming the tide against bullying. Today, Lindin’s project has expanded to promote gender equality, sex positivity and comprehensive sex education for all ages and is receiving solid attention from traditional media and academic/therapeutic communities.

With the sharp uptick in using cyberspace as a vicious bullying tool, it’s an irony of sorts that Lindin has managed to turn the tables and craft an effective opposing strategy utilizing many of the same platforms. In addition to its own primary website, the project has occupied online spaces such as Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Reddit, Tumblr and Wattpad; and has received a lot of support through several YouTube channels, including an exceptional TEDx presentation recently held in Toronto. Additionally, she successfully used virtual crowdfunding through Kickstarter in order to finance an upcoming movie entitled, “Slut: A Documentary Film.” Directed by Jessica Caimi, it will chronicle the extent of sexual bullying and slut shaming in schools, media and culture along with presenting steps for working toward significant change. Currently under production, it will feature the stories of girls who were driven to suicide by sexual bullying, interviews with women who have experienced the effects of slut shaming in their own lives and the opinions of media figures, sexologists, psychologists and other experts.

The real beauty of Lindin’s efforts lies in the evolution from a simple idea (to courageously share her own experiences) into a growing community of active participants committed to doing the same–all with the eventual goal of demonstrating positive strategies to and support for sexual bullying victims. It’s leadership-by-example of the finest kind and a true success story in a battle of good over bad. If you would like to join that effort, you can get more information and offer your support through their primary web site, on their Facebook page or through their Twitter feed. Also, please consider sharing this article throughout your circles and help make a positive difference.

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