Category: General Posts

Formalities of Normalities

As much as Americans tout a maverick, even rebellious spirit, we spend a lot of time, effort and cold hard cash trying to get to “normal.”  Even those who consider themselves unconventional eventually gravitate to clans with similar interests as a means for fitting in somewhere.  Whether it’s an emotional need for acceptance, a primal urging towards community or something to do with strength in numbers, “normal” appears to be a big deal–especially when it comes to sexuality.

Here’s the thing about “normal:”  When a particular social tribe takes it on themselves to define what is normal, the default result is divisiveness and, to a large extent, intolerance when it comes to anything outside the resulting definition–whether it’s actually based in fact or not.  While compliance with certain values (for example, protecting children) has its place in a civilized community, power within groups tends to obsesses over what certain behaviors are, rather than what they actually do.  Even if such nonconformity is positive, productive and poses no threat whatsoever to anyone else in the circle, challenging the prevailing groupthink is likely to be perceived as a disruption to the status quo and therefore, labeled as (you guessed it) “abnormal.”  More often than not, the label is otherwise baseless and is frequently even hypocritical, but the stigma attached usually has a real and significant impact on whomever is tagged with it.

Leadership to confront and combat mythologies about “normal sexual behavior” has been slow to materialize, but sustained efforts have been made during the past 50-60 years–even in the face of stiff opposition and incredulity.  For example, since 1947, The Kinsey Institute (originally known as The Institute for Sex Research) has led the field in discerning facts regarding human sexuality, dispelling many unfounded conceptions and redefining “normal” much more broadly than previously believed or accepted.  As one might imagine, however, political and legal controversies arising from many of their findings served to impede (and in some cases, actually derail) progress and unnecessarily prolong a state of intolerance.  The fact that the institute has remained steadfast in its mission says a lot about its leaders in their quest to better define “normal” more realistically and in an inclusionary manner, but should it really be that hard?

Human history is replete with stunning examples of groundless beliefs trumping coherent facts, but what’s even more astonishing is the consistent, irrational tendency to embrace certain beliefs rather than uncover and accept a reality which might be in opposition.  Without a doubt, a lot of that is purely political, but acceding to the power of groupthink simply to keep a superficially steady boat from rocking is a recipe for doom.  There are plenty of solid examples of that as well.

While it’s certainly much easier to merge with the popular pool of “normal” and bask in its illusory safety, good leadership is less concerned with what’s  popular than it is with what’s real and right.  Indeed, it takes a lot of spunk and moxy to go against the formalities of normalities and instead inspire a lasting respect for rational discussion and eliminating knee-jerk intolerance.  There’s likely to be tremendous pushback when facts are uncovered that disrupt ingrained beliefs, but progress cannot be made with heads buried in the sand.  Opposing any kind of bullying takes courage, commitment and conviction but the result can literally change the world for the better.

What’s more “normal” than that?

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Defining Sex in America: Can It Be Done?

(2/1/16)  Larry Flynt is a genius.  Having taken a $2,000 investment in an Ohio bar and turned it into a publishing empire valued in the hundreds of millions would be reason enough to hang the G-label on him, but the more valuable accomplishments of Mr. Flynt’s career are found in the social and legal battles he initiated to protect expressive and sexual freedoms in America.  It wasn’t always pretty–and there were certainly tragic casualties along the way–but his inspired efforts helped an entire generation (and hopefully, many more to come) define a clear line between personal rights and government interference.  He could have just let his bar go bankrupt, but no, he had a different idea instead.  Genius.

Ironically, while a lot of progress has been made in defining sexual freedoms, Americans still cannot agree on what “sex” itself is.  Images of a U.S. President wagging his finger and fiercely proclaiming, “Ah did nawt have sex-shul relations with that woman” might be a semi-humorous example of this dilemma in practice (even if just a self-serving one), but apparently it’s just the tip of something bigger.

Among a wide range of adult males and females, a recent study by the Kinsey Institute found that there was a significant lack of consensus on what kind of behaviors are actually being defined as sex.  While the basic peg-A-into-slot-B notion (penile-vaginal contact) seems safely inside the bin, all bets are off when it comes to just about anything else.

For example, fewer people concurred that it constituted having sex even in penile-vaginal scenarios if the male didn’t orgasm.  Additionally, the study found that 20% didn’t agree that anal intercourse constituted sex and 30% felt that oral activities shouldn’t be included in the definition.  Perhaps not so surprisingly, about 50% of those surveyed stated that masturbatory behaviors did not qualify as sex, even if the contact was performed by someone else.  The bottom line:  What seems to be a fairly simple concept in principle is apparently anything but.  The question is:  Is that a “good” or a “bad” thing?  While there are certainly medical and educational ramifications in these findings, the social and legal aspects merit attention and serious discussion as well.

Diversity is a productive ingredient in any evolved society, but divisiveness tends to create a vacuum that is often filled with reactive shortsightedness–and sometimes worse.  Just ask Larry Flynt.

What say you?

Think Kink!

Photo credit: FallenAngelTV.com
Photo credit: FallenAngelTV.com

(1/1/16)  It wasn’t really all that long ago that kink was considered uber-taboo.  Fortunately though, the masses appear to be finally waking up and smelling the 21st century.  What was once strictly confined behind tightly sealed doors or within close-knit underground communities has garnered much more sunlight in recent years and even become rather fashionable.

To be sure, kinky lifestyles are nothing new, but there does seem to be a new, more positive trend emerging when it comes to exploring them.  With the advent of the interwebs, access to lifestyle information became much easier.  Additionally, for those trying to keep their exploration under the radar, the anonymity offered on the net afforded reasonably safe access.  The flipside, however, is that it also enabled a lot of misinformation and, in many cases, unnecessary confusion.  That said, the upside is that more and more people feel less alone and isolated in discovering and acknowledging their feelings and sexuality.

While there are way too many factors to list involved with how things got from there to here, suffice it to say that various forms of media played a large role.  In the 80s and 90s, authors such as Anne Rice, John Warren, Jay Wiseman, Jon Jacobs, Will and Gloria Brame, Philip Miller and Molly Devon were instrumental in capturing a wide range of concepts and making them understandable to the masses while pioneering filmmakers such as Bruce Seven, Ernest Greene and Luc Wylder (who directed the widely acclaimed The Master’s Choice series) helped pave the way with kink-lifestyle portrayals on the screen.  As these efforts gained increasing interest, more widespread attention built through such mainstream projects as 9 1/2 weeks, The Story of O, Secretary and Stanley Kubrick’s epic, Eyes Wide Shut among others, culminating with the recent 50 Shades frenzy.  Whether reality or fantasy based, as these works expanded imagination and understanding, they inspired a new generation with willingness and confidence to push their own perceived boundaries in safe and fun ways.

Ironically, with all of the wonderful information out there now, the trick today when you think kink is that there’s no singularly universal way to go about it.  Even the word itself means something different to different people.  Therein lies the beauty–and the challenge.  Pushing yourself to find the unique things that really turn you on beyond the common and mundane is a highly personal and intimate experience–and one that’s unique to each person.  As long as the activities involved are among consenting adults and reasonable precautions are employed to ensure that no harm occurs, just be yourself and resist any temptation to have to justify yourself.  It’s your life and you have every right to seek out experiences that bring you joy and fulfillment in whatever way works best for you.  People, being funny animals, tend to prefer putting things (and occasionally, other people, for that matter) into neat little categorized bins, but that’s counterproductive for both creativity and confidence.  Forget the labels.  They’re generally useful as a common frame of reference in communicating, but beyond that, they belong on jars, not on people.

So, confidently shake off the imagined shackles of Boringville and start heading towards the growing understanding–and acceptance–found on the road to Kinkytown.  The time has never been better to Think Kink.